Toilet paper, TP, or even bath tissue

Whatever it’s called, the name is no issue

It all works the same, a glamorous chore

But if it’s not soft, you end up chapped and sore!

Some things in life are just a necessity

We realize that if TP is a scarcity

When we run out, there is fear and there’s panic

A crisis that makes us feel manic and frantic

We hoard our TP. It can never go bad

It doesn’t expire! No due date! Be glad!

It lasts forever and then one more day

A product that’s priceless! We’re happy to pay!

Sometimes there are things that come as a pair

No TP with laxatives? You wouldn’t dare!

That’s why we stock up. Buying roll after roll

So there’s plenty to stuff down the porcelain bowl!

Diarrhea is a crisis. Situation is dire

No inconvenience. A three-alarm fire!

Sprint into the bathroom. A shock to your eyes

NOTHING on roll! So much for cheese fries!

TP should be soft. It should not be a scraper

Public restroom TP feels just like sandpaper

But even if rough, give thanks that it’s there

If dispenser is empty, you’ll cuss, and you’ll swear!

TP in bad moments is your greatest need

Refried beans with hot salsa, an emergency indeed!

Whether 2-ply or 4-ply, either one will work fine

It’s the price that you pay every time that you dine

Toddler stuffed roll – deep in the commode

Parents berserk when throne overflowed

A grim, grisly stench! A gross, gruesome sight!

Floor covered in muck! (YUK!) That just isn’t right

Some folks keep a roll stashed away in their car

In case the next bathroom is a little too far

It’s distressing to squat down behind a green bush

Without toilet paper to use on your tush!

Your TP is scented – or perhaps it is not

Though it hardly matters if you need the pot

Buy it in bulk, so you will not run short

You’ll need a supply when you sit, strain, and snort!

Which brings us to the question –

Roll OVER or UNDER? An endless debate

In our house, we’re locked in a hopeless stalemate

My wife says I’m wrong. Claims that I agitate her

Which, of course, means that I am –