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Toilet paper, TP, or even bath tissue
Whatever it’s called, the name is no issue
It all works the same, a glamorous chore
But if it’s not soft, you end up chapped and sore!
Some things in life are just a necessity
We realize that if TP is a scarcity
When we run out, there is fear and there’s panic
A crisis that makes us feel manic and frantic
We hoard our TP. It can never go bad
It doesn’t expire! No due date! Be glad!
It lasts forever and then one more day
A product that’s priceless! We’re happy to pay!
Sometimes there are things that come as a pair
No TP with laxatives? You wouldn’t dare!
That’s why we stock up. Buying roll after roll
So there’s plenty to stuff down the porcelain bowl!
Diarrhea is a crisis. Situation is dire
No inconvenience. A three-alarm fire!
Sprint into the bathroom. A shock to your eyes
NOTHING on roll! So much for cheese fries!
TP should be soft. It should not be a scraper
Public restroom TP feels just like sandpaper
But even if rough, give thanks that it’s there
If dispenser is empty, you’ll cuss, and you’ll swear!
TP in bad moments is your greatest need
Refried beans with hot salsa, an emergency indeed!
Whether 2-ply or 4-ply, either one will work fine
It’s the price that you pay every time that you dine
Toddler stuffed roll – deep in the commode
Parents berserk when throne overflowed
A grim, grisly stench! A gross, gruesome sight!
Floor covered in muck! (YUK!) That just isn’t right
Some folks keep a roll stashed away in their car
In case the next bathroom is a little too far
It’s distressing to squat down behind a green bush
Without toilet paper to use on your tush!
Your TP is scented – or perhaps it is not
Though it hardly matters if you need the pot
Buy it in bulk, so you will not run short
You’ll need a supply when you sit, strain, and snort!
Which brings us to the question –
Roll OVER or UNDER? An endless debate
In our house, we’re locked in a hopeless stalemate
My wife says I’m wrong. Claims that I agitate her
Which, of course, means that I am –
A TOILET PAPER
PERPETRATOR!!!
Poetry At Play 