There is a procedure that men can have done

But it’s not exactly what I would call fun

It’s performed when you think that your family’s complete

No more pitter-patter of those little feet

Tonsillectomies, appendectomies – your health does come first

But of all of the ECTOMIES – VASECTOMY is worst!

This minor surgery is considered elective

But I was afraid that I’d end up defective

The nefarious nipping filled me with great dread

“Don’t you dare chicken out!” Is what my dear wife said

All I could picture was a slice and a dice

With both of my dingle berries wedged in a vice!


Had to shave everything! Gave me a real fright

Wrinkly with stubble – what a grizzly sight!

No slapping on aftershave! That would burn and would sting


Big salty tears to my eyes it would bring

Like defusing a bomb – don’t clip the wrong wire!

Might create a situation that could be quite dire

You want a doctor with a strong steady hand

It’s no time to sneeze! I think you understand

Snip the wrong thing, it could be a catastrophe

This is difficult to talk about. I’m doing it bashfully

What if something fell off? What would I do?

It’s not like you could stick it back on with some glue

It’s one thing to get a pet neutered or spayed

But I was just hoping that ALL my parts stayed

Did not want a cone to be placed round my neck

To keep me from checking on things below deck

Yes, there would be swelling and discoloration

Comically enough, that rhymes with castration

But I’m not going THERE! That’d be a low blow

Much too dramatic for this “PG” rated show!

However –

I did fear my voice might start to get higher

Baritone to soprano in community choir

But that is all fake. It’s a ridiculous lie

Can’t carry a tune, but I’m still the same guy

Thankfully, none of my nightmares came true

The swelling went down. I stopped turning blue

I overreacted, but I’m proud to proclaim

Although firing blanks – I’m still in the game!!!

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