There is a procedure that men can have done
But it’s not exactly what I would call fun
It’s performed when you think that your family’s complete
No more pitter-patter of those little feet
Tonsillectomies, appendectomies – your health does come first
But of all of the ECTOMIES – VASECTOMY is worst!
This minor surgery is considered elective
But I was afraid that I’d end up defective
The nefarious nipping filled me with great dread
“Don’t you dare chicken out!” Is what my dear wife said
All I could picture was a slice and a dice
With both of my dingle berries wedged in a vice!
Had to shave everything! Gave me a real fright
Wrinkly with stubble – what a grizzly sight!
No slapping on aftershave! That would burn and would sting
Big salty tears to my eyes it would bring
Like defusing a bomb – don’t clip the wrong wire!
Might create a situation that could be quite dire
You want a doctor with a strong steady hand
It’s no time to sneeze! I think you understand
Snip the wrong thing, it could be a catastrophe
This is difficult to talk about. I’m doing it bashfully
What if something fell off? What would I do?
It’s not like you could stick it back on with some glue
It’s one thing to get a pet neutered or spayed
But I was just hoping that ALL my parts stayed
Did not want a cone to be placed round my neck
To keep me from checking on things below deck
Yes, there would be swelling and discoloration
Comically enough, that rhymes with castration
But I’m not going THERE! That’d be a low blow
Much too dramatic for this “PG” rated show!
I did fear my voice might start to get higher
Baritone to soprano in community choir
But that is all fake. It’s a ridiculous lie
Can’t carry a tune, but I’m still the same guy
Thankfully, none of my nightmares came true
The swelling went down. I stopped turning blue
I overreacted, but I’m proud to proclaim
Although firing blanks – I’m still in the game!!!