There are TV commercials that make us all cringe
The ones that the channels now force us to binge
You can’t help but look. No, you can’t glance away
They force you to watch them on constant replay
It’s crude and obnoxious when we have to see
Solutions for ailments they sell with such glee
The potions, the lotions, the creams, and the pills
Designed to fix all of our dis-gust-ing ills
Such as –
Our digestive health. It’s a topic they hammer
Bloating, and gas, and cramping! Such glamour!
Constipation, diarrhea, the squirts, and the trots
Anything that ties up our system in knots
Crotches start itching! It happens without fail
But scratch it in public, and you’ll have to post bail
With that irritation, ads promise to help
But your loins are on fire, making you want to yelp!
That gross toenail fungus is like a bad dream
Your tootsies are gnarly! People see them and scream
Welcome in swimming pool, you will not be
Mothers grabbing small children and attempting to flee!
The ads claim our snoring is out of control
Missing out on your sleep can take quite a toll
To open your honker, use one breathing strip
But it’s a new problem if it starts to drip!
Allergies, sneezing with big globs of snot
Moist, green, and yellow – and I mean a lot
Nasal mucus discharge! Please turn off the spout
You will soon need relief for your poor leaking snout!
Their repulsive ads are aimed at bad smells
Deodorants for body odor! That always sells
We’ll pay any price to get rid of the funk
Big money is made off our stink, stank, and stunk!
If you have dry eyes, they may call you Blinky!
Men think you’re flirting if you get too winky
With a splish and a splash, eyedrops do the trick
Before you get hit on by some guy named Rick!
Billions of dollars are spent just on skincare
Hide blotches and blemishes so people won’t stare
Acne, and pimples, and too many zits
As you learned in high school, zits are the pits!
*And then there’s your hair!*
Advertisers know you’ll spend any amount
So they charge you full price without a discount
The cost for good hair gets steeper and steeper
If you shaved your head, it would be a lot cheaper
You need to pee! Bathroom constantly calls
Overactive bladder is like Niagara Falls!
The TV ads say their drugs will make you feel dry
Endless sprinting to toilets makes you want to buy!
Hemorrhoids! Good Lord! There’s itching and pain
(Butt!) That’s what you get whenever you strain
To seek quick relief is your greatest desire
The ads claim their ointment can put out the fire!
Our list of afflictions goes on without end
On the products the ads pitch – we are happy to spend
Cause we want relief, and we want it right now
Which means for TV advertisers –
WE ARE THE CASH COW!