LOST AND FOUND! HOMEWARD BOUND!

***

With no sense of direction is how I was born

A trait that has often made my sweet wife mourn

I can often get lost in the blink of an eye

Which makes me a less-than-dependable guy

At a national park, we were taking a walk

Not listening to my bride though she does love to talk

I soon looked around, she was nowhere in sight!

How could I lose her in the broad daylight?

I was hopelessly lost for over two hours

Hot, tired, and thirsty, I was feeling quite dour

Trying to return to civilization

As my wife slowly filled with great aggravation

Found a dirt road, an old pickup appeared

Driven by a farmer with a scraggily beard

He stopped and asked if I needed a ride

Tired and sunburned – I swallowed my pride

With no room in front, he said, “Climb in the back.”

“You’ll ride with Boswell. He’s having a snack.”

I climbed over the tailgate and got a great shock

There was an ENORMOUS HOG! with giant ham hocks

At least 600 pounds of porky perfection

Chops, bacon, ribs – it was quite a selection

He was slurping up slop and covered in flies

I sat down quick and covered my eyes.

The stink, however, I could not block out

He was drenched in muck from his tail to his snout

The stench was disgusting, and the sight of him gross

Couldn’t wait to get out and bid him adios

But we rode together, my new friend and me

I kept swatting at flies that would not let me be

Then Boswell glanced over and shook his huge head

Showering me with filth, he was happy to spread

It was the worst! I was soaked in the stuff

He was snorting at me with a huff and a gruff

I was trapped with no chance of getting away

Sitting forlorn, covered in the swine’s spray

We bumped and bounced for many a mile

Tourist center was sighted. That made me smile

Hoped out, thanked driver, and headed on in

Met by my wife, exclaiming, “Where have you been?!”

I started to answer, but she’d backed away

“What is that odor?! Don’t move! Please stay!”

“Oh, that’s just Boswell. We shared a ride.”

Frowning, she said, “Smells like something has died!”

Thought about telling how I had to cope

But all that I wanted was a hot shower with soap

The love of my life had put it quite well

The way that I stunk had the power to repel

After getting cleaned up and a fresh change of clothes

My wife no longer had to cover her nose

So, my misadventure she wanted explained

But an idea had formed that she thought was harebrained

“I have a question.” Though the answer I knew

“What is it?” She asked, not having a clue

I took a deep breath and worked up my nerve

“Can we get a pet piglet?” I’d thrown her a curve

“I will not consider it!” she firmly replied

A porker in our home, she could not abide

“That will not happen!” declared my dear spouse

Then smiling, she said –

“YOU ARE THE ONLY PIG allowed in my house!”