THE HANDYMAN CAN!

***

Home repairs are the bane of existence

I try to avoid them with total resistance

Do it yourself, for me is no go

Don’t have the knowledge. Know what I don’t know

They claim you can save lots of money that way

But not with the cost of the hospital stay

I’m the first to admit how clumsy I am

Every job I attempt ends with Wham! Bam! and Slam!

I’m not a tool guy, so I can’t fix a thing

Makes matters worse with no talent to bring

If I work on a small leak, it’ll suddenly gush

I can make any toilet unable to flush

Dripping faucet in kitchen? I haven’t a clue

When I start to replace it, we need a canoe

Did not cut the power as I changed a blown fuse

Got a slight tingle – blew me out of my shoes!

Broken bones and stitches because I’m inept

My lack of grace, I’ve been forced to accept

Putting something together, some parts don’t belong

Manufacturer must have got everything wrong

Who writes the instructions? I don’t understand

It’s like a strange language from some other land

The diagrams are crazy. I can’t make them out

Leaving me puzzled. It’s THEIR fault no doubt!

But still, I persist through my lack of ability

Each failure achieved adding to my humility

Hope springs eternal is what they all say

Each job I approach, I hope turns out okay

But then –

I miss the nail and hit thumb with the hammer

The air fills with four-letter words as I yammer

I get a chainsaw and cut down a big tree

Falls on garage. Video makes news on TV

To give up my power tools, my bride thought was best

Convinced that with good skill, I had not been blessed

Disagreeing, I went out and bought a nail gun

Oh Boy! This was going to be loads of great fun!

However –

Nailed my shoe to a board, right through my big toe

I have to admit that it was a new low

Til it happened again!! Same toe two months later

Don’t think my embarrassment could have been greater

The most dangerous thing is to climb on the roof

That’s where you cannot afford a bad goof

Sometimes improvements are needed up there

I move around carefully while spouse stands and stares

When I get up high, my wife’s eyes grow wide

She can see dollar signs if I start to slide

Thinking of life insurance that she can spend

If from up on the roof – I head first descend

Fortunately, I make it down both safe and sound

She will not soon be rich. She is not Europe bound

So our lives will continue in a predictable way

When home repairs are required – I will save the day!!