Thermostat wars! It’s too cold or too hot

Room temperature never does hit the right spot

Conditions fill us with dread and with gloom

Hypothermia! Heatstroke! In the same room!

I sit and sweat while my spouse fights off chills

This epic battle is a true test of wills

Constantly sniping over every degree

We’re both so hard-headed – how can this be?

I’m feeling flushed while my wife’s turning blue

We’re in the same temperature. Boo, hoo, hoo, hoo

My spouse is dramatic as she wheezes and sneezes

How can one fry while the other one freezes?

I’m burnt to a crisp from intense raging heat

Just flip me over like a cooked slab of meat

“I can now see my breath!” My wife is exclaiming

Her frozen discomfort on me she is blaming

I’m down to gym shorts and just a t-shirt

Medical emergency I’d like to avert

Becoming light-headed, a creeping heat rash

A never-ending form of a real-life hot flash

Inside of this igloo wife can’t feel her nose

She’s declaring that frostbite may cost her some toes

While stuck in this sauna, I’m becoming a grouch

I’m sweating profusely, butt stuck to the couch

I fan myself while my wife sits and shakes

She says, “In the living room, I can now see snowflakes!”

We argue and gripe. We moan, and we groan

Delirious, I see Elvis in this tropical zone

We have to agree. We must compromise

But that’s hard to do with sweat in your eyes

My spouse yells, “Never!” through her chattering teeth

Her voice muffled by the thick quilt she’s beneath

It gets even worse when we hop into bed

If my errant cold toe touches my wife, I’m dead

She launches straight up – ricochets round the room

Unusually spry at her age, she can zoom!

But when she comes down, there’s a harsh price to pay

The heat gets turned high, and there it will stay

It does me no good if I sulk, plead, or whine

If we burst into flames – with my spouse, that is fine

So whether it’s January or it is July

The temperature settings are pie in the sky

In summer, wife shivers. In winter, I bake

On this thermostat war, we must hit the brakes!

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