ZIP IT AND NIP IT!

***

Against my better judgment, I’m willing to share

A public debacle about facial hair

I have a long beard, and that is what matters

At the end of this story, it was all left in tatters

On a blustery, cold day, I stopped to buy gas

It would freeze your YOU KNOW WHAT OFF if the monkey was brass

Got hit by the wind as I stepped from the car

Zipped up my jacket – just a little TOO FAR!!

Somehow the zipper buried deep in my beard

I wondered how ridiculous I suddenly appeared

The pain was exquisite. It pinched, and it hurt

It was then that I caught a brief glimpse of a skirt

With my chin yanked down, I could just barely see

A curious woman looking right back at me

From the other side of the pump, she stared

There was nothing to say. We neither one dared

But then everything took a turn for the worse

She pulled out her phone from inside her purse

Taking great care, she aimed it at me

I tugged on the zipper but could not break free

Back into my car, I dejectedly climbed

I bet you were hoping that this would have rhymed

Had no choice but to extract all the hair

Situations like this, I assume are quite rare

The zipper held tight, it did not come loose

I struggled and struggled, but it was no use

Strand by strand, I pulled the hair out

Was mad at myself, and I started to pout

But the very worst part of this episode

Was the way that I knew my wife would unload

If she ever found out just what I had done

She’d hold nothing back and have great gobs of fun

My spouse was convinced that my long beard was dire

Did not want to pour gas on that smoldering fire

If she was to learn how the zipper had caught

There’d be no hesitation to share what she thought

Facial hair! What a painful distraction

Driving, I hoped to avoid wife’s reaction

Decided it best not to utter a word

My spouse could not gloat if she never heard

But when I walked through the open front door

My wife was waiting, I could not ignore

The look on her face, somehow she’d found out

A mysterious thing, but there was no doubt

She held out her phone and smiled as she said,

“A woman took video of your downturned head

And then she posted the whole thing online.”

I started to grumble, I started to whine

My spouse continued, “Viral, it’s gone

You should read the comments it spawns.”

Secret was out – wife said with elation

“OH, SWEETIE!! YOU ARE AN INTERNET SENSATION!!”